Children = Miniature Drunken People
9 year olds
Generally an exuberant, friendly, out-going group of humans. They have certain inhibitions, but these do not stop them from doing what they want in most cases. Generally coordinated, but not great, 9 year olds will give most activities a go (especially if they are confident with a particular activity). Able to maintain bodily functions and steady conversation. Good degree of self-awareness.
Me after 1-2 pints.
7 year olds
Have some idea of surroundings and appropriate behaviour, but will often forget themselves and indulge in abnormal behaviour. Prone to mis-stepping as they walk and, occasionally, crying for no reason, the 7 year-old has little inhibition (especially if it will garner greater attention from others). Often opinionated, the 7 year-old likes to deal in matter-of-fact conversation, with no concept of areas of grey. Slight self-awareness.
Me after 3-5 pints.
5 year olds
Have short attention spans. Whilst they are able to decode simple words and sentences, children of this age have difficulty comprehending when they read and can make basic decoding errors. Co-ordination is still developing but bodily functions can, with concentration, be controlled. 5 year olds will excitedly share information they know with people they meet and are susceptible to staring at shiny/colourful objects for great lengths of time. Occasionally, they may share information that is a little bit too personal, but it’s offered in a friend-affirming manner. Little self-awareness.
Me after 6-8 pints.
3 year olds
Are completely self-indulgent. About 75% of what they say can be understood by strangers and most sentences contain about 3-4 words. Children of this age are short-term focused, ask “what?” a lot and have very little control over their coordination. Walking in a straight line may not be possible and, occasionally, the 3 year-old will have to take a double-step to reaffirm balance. Children of this age are generally convivial to conversation, but can often break down in tears for no apparent reason and may detest sharing. They have little comprehension of the world around them but are generally pretty confident to explore. These little devils can be incredibly possessive of their belongings to the point of obsession, yet this does not render them incapable of leaving most of their things behind when they need to move on. They have difficulty maintaining bodily functions. Very happy to talk to strangers. They are proud of their body parts and celebrate, in the greater scheme of things, pretty mediocre accomplishments. Minimal self-awareness.
Me after 9-10 pints.
Eat, cry and sleep. Desperate for food, they will often complain incessantly until they get it. Afterwards, they will often vomit back the very same food that they had so violently cried for only minutes earlier. They have absolutely no control over bodily functions and possess an incredibly slight memory. Slurred utterances are the only sounds humans of this age are capable of producing. No self-awareness.
Me after 11 pints.
Are lazy, selfish, whingy individuals who spend much of their time in dark places, converse in a series of shortish grunts and get by, for the greater part, on potato chips and other assorted condiments.
Me hungover. (Yeah, I know, the order is a bit strange. I suppose teenagers end up paying the price for the years of the alcohol abuse that they participated in as a child).